“Because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.” – Hebrews 12:6
When I first decided I was going to say “yes” to giving my life to Christ I had no clue how hard things were going to get. You see the first “yes” is always the easiest “yes,” it’s the one we’re actually excited about. We look forward to the change because we are no longer living as lost sheep. No more pursuing happiness. It’s when we give our second, and third “yes” that we find it’s too much.
“Why me? “ the thought that seems to bombard all my other thoughts. As I sat trying to remind myself of how faithful God has been. Secretly wishing I could somehow change the direction of where this conversations was headed. I closed my eyes and began to pray. I prayed for Gods healing power to restore what was broken. To build a road over the path that had fallen apart. It was now time to admit, not only to myself but to God that my faith was shattered. Things were just starting to be too much, I really wanted God to fix it all. The zeal and passion that I once had was now gone. Instead it was replaced by shame and guilt. As I opened my mouth to speak, words wouldn’t come. They never appeared. Instead only sobs came out. Ugly sobs. The pain so deeply stored away rushed to the surface leaving me with nothing but hurt. In those moments of silence I felt a gentle reminder in my heart, one that reminded me that a Father disciplines those He loves.
Believing God is good and faithful is easy to believe. We’ve all seen and read about it time and time again. The hard part is knowing that He will be good and faithful to us. Whenever I am facing trouble, or there is some kind of obstacle in my way I always seem to revert back to maybe it’s me. In Hebrews, Paul shares that we should “endure suffering as discipline because God is dealing with us as Son.” He goes on to ask, “for what son is there that a father does not discipline?” So you see when I gave God my first “yes” it was based solely on what I was hoping that “yes” would do for me. So when things hit a speed bump I decided I was just over it all. I’d become frustrated and angry with God because I was tired of it all. I’d become self-righteous, and made God my sugar daddy! I put God into my earthly fathers’ shoes and put unfair expectations on Him because in all honesty I believe my own father couldn’t be trusted.
Without even noticing I let it all boil to the surface until now, when I had to face not only myself but God. It was time to just be honest and tell Him how I was feeling. The second “yes” about took my out. It was suffocating me. I didn’t know if I was able to do all the things that has been asked of me. I really wanted all the things I believed God had in store for me but I wasn’t sure if I could handle everything I needed to do to get there. It was when I closed my eyes and released my interpretation of what my Father is supposed to be, the idea of what is I want verses what He is doing I was able to wipe my tears and say I’m okay, I really give you my “Yes.”
Contributed by – Shani Ford
In the midst of my pain I found a God who fiercely sought after me. In 2017 I was in a broken place lost, living without purpose, and wanting to be found. Through the love of God I was able to find a peace that would change a rebel into a righteous women. I am from California, but currently living in Chicago, Illinois. Now walking a path to help change people perspectives on what it means to walk in Gods grace. I believe since I was able to find happiness, and true joy that everyone I encounter should and can find it too. Through The Sanctuary I have been able to grow in my walk while pursing the life that God has called me to.